


The Baffling Case of Theo G

by lucy2



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Texting, Twitter, and quicksilver has questionable taste in usernames, shamelessly ignores canon, the maximoffs are little shits, tony and peter may be big smart but they’re also big dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24758947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucy2/pseuds/lucy2
Summary: spiderman: THERE ARE MULTIPLE QUICKSILVERS????????scarletwitch: this is far more entertaining than expected—short chat fic that’s exactly as self-indulgent as my other works.
Relationships: Pietro Maximoff & Peter Maximoff & Wanda Maximoff
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63





	The Baffling Case of Theo G

**Author's Note:**

> jbbarnes: bucky
> 
> capsicle: steeb 
> 
> batman: tony
> 
> katniss: clint
> 
> natasha: um. bit obvious, innit love? ❤️ xoxo
> 
> cawcaw: sam
> 
> bigguy: thor
> 
> biggerguy: bruce
> 
> peter: *stares into camera*
> 
> theog: peter maximoff
> 
> theremix: pietro
> 
> thewitch: wanda

** naming privileges have been REVOKED **

batman:hey kid, what the fuck?

[ _image of an empty box of eggo waffles_ ]

peter: u said they were for me

batman: they were supposed to last you the rest of the month 

peter: ...

peter: i don’t know what you want me to say 

biggerguy: we have watched peter eat an entire box of lucky charms for breakfast. what did you expect?

batman: i expected them to last longer than two hours!!!!!!1!1!11!1

jbbarnes: you included the 1s as if you aren’t typing this from your phone

batman: shut up i am a thespian at heart

batman: anyway peter how the fuck did you eat 24 waffles in two hours???? i’m genuinely concerned for your health.

katniss: pretty sure it’s a mutant thing, wanda and the quicksilvers come home from patrol andd e v o u rour kitchen so often that i have a cellar full of secret food they can’t get to

batman: haha u misspelled quicksilver

katniss: um... chile anyway so

cawcaw: a secret cellar seems like overkill to me

natasha:

[ _image of completely empty pantry_ ]

[ _image of completely empty fridge_ ]

cawcaw: ....nvm then

peter: sorry i ate too many waffles mr. stark : - (

batman: it’s not fair that you have the ability to do puppy dog eyes through text

batman: nobody else can do that

capsicle: :(

batman: ok maybe one more person can do it but that’s it

_ clint has added thewitch and theremix to the chat _

thewitch: : (

theremix: :(

batman: alright so multiple people can do it, i’m allowed to make mistakes

theremix: wow i never though i’d live to see the day tony stark admits to being wrong 

_ batman has removed theremix from the chat _

thewitch: >:0

_ batman has removed thewitch from the chat _

capsicle: LMAO

batman: we’ve been over this, you don’t have to capitalize it

batman: how about i buy more waffles and we pretend this never happened?

peter: yay!

* * *

** strucker’s bitches B ) **

theog: where’d u guys go i wasn’t done

thewitch: we had to help clint prove a point

theog: ah

theremix: continue your presentation i was intrigued 

thewitch: yeah back to our regularly scheduled programming 

theog: alright next up is sue sylvester

theog:

theog: her war crime would be the use of child soldiers. i have come to this conclusion by examining the way she treats her cheerios, in particular becky. she has no qualms with ordering them around, and i think this would only be made worse on the battlefield.

thewitch: you are so good at this

theremix: do rachel now

theog: 

rachel berry’s crime would be intentionally killing civilians. she sent that girl to a crackhouse, so i don’t think this needs any explanation.

thewitch: shfjakahf she’d sing don’t rain on my parade while violently murdering fast food employees.

theremix: mercedes would ask shue to stop her and he’d say “it’s fine, mercedes. she a minority. she’s in the glee club.”

thewitch: oooooh now do mr. shue

theog: oh let me tell you a thing or two about mr. shue

* * *

**scarlet witch was taken** @ _wandabitch_

peter just went on a 500 word rant about mr. shue and the multiple war crimes he would commit.

**beter** @ _peterparkour_

no i didnt??

**pietro** @ _quicksilver2_

not u dumbass

**beter** @ _peterparkour_

what other peter do u know????

**clint** @ _hawkguy_

*stares into camera like i’m on the office*

**karen** @ _90sbabe_

don’t be shy, post the screenshot

**sammy** @ _supesstan_

the media: why are the avengers always so serious?

the avengers: have in depth conversations about fictional characters regularly

**harley** @ _potatogun_

rachel berry would murder civilians convince me otherwise

**scarlet witch was taken** @ _wandabitch_

omg that’s what peter said too!!

**beter** @ _peterparkour_

i still don’t know who this mystery peter is : ‘ (

* * *

** one big happy family **

theog: why doesn’t he know who i am

katniss: he and tony are a kind of dumbasses

theog: ...

theog: iron man doesn’t know i exist either??

thewitch: idk if he even knows who the xmen are.

natasha: probably not. smart as he is, he’s still a billionaire who spends most of his time in a tower by himself

theremix: we’ve been trying to hint at it but sadly they r too dumb :/

theog: i should mess with spider-man. maybe he’ll catch a hint, then.

natasha: unlikely. you’d think he’d be smart, but....

theog: does he live at the compound?

katniss: ...why? ... what r u gonna do to him?

theog: aww clint, relax. nothing bad, per se.

katniss: that’s not very reassuring

natasha: his room is across from pietro’s

theog: muhuwahahahaha

katniss: oh god have mercy on his soul

* * *

@ _theog has requested to send you a message!_

[ **accept** ]deny 

theog:  hey spider-man!

peter:  haha wtf i’m not spider-man 

theog: uh huh sure

theog: anyway 

theog: you should look outside your door

peter: why

theog: i think you should just trust me on this one, spider-man 

peter: ...

peter: fine

peter: ok what r u playing at there’s nothing out there

peter: WHAT THE FUCK

theog: : )

_ theog is no longer active  _

* * *

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

GUYS I THINK I’M GOING INSANE

**clint** @ _hawkguy_

oh god this can’t be good

**kara** @ _sbiderman_

what happened??

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

this guy started messaging me and he told me to look outside,,, there was nothing there but when i got back to my room everything that’s supposed to be on the floor was on the ceiling 

**You Know Who I Am** @ _TStark_

what’s his name? I’ll Find Him.

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

dont capitalize like that, also idk his user was weird

**peter** @ _quicksilver1_

was it perhaps @theog??

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

t h a t ‘ s t h e b i t c h

**max** @ _maxnotwell_

ur letting a guy named theo scare u??

**pietro** @ _quicksilver2_

HAHAHAHAHAHDJAKDN

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

.... y u laughing?

**peter** @ _quicksilver1_

eww do you guys really think the @ is theo g???

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

is it not????? are you the peter wanda was talking about?????

**peter** @ _quicksilver1_

i thought you were smarter than this :/

**nat** @ _blackwidow_

i told you. disappointing.

**b** @ _beebee8_

what is happening

**tara** @ _taralee_

spidey,,,,,,, quicksilver1,,,,,,, is the first quicksilver,,,,,,,,the,,,,,,,,,og quicksilver 

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

THERES MULTIPLE QUICK SILVERS??????????????

**scarlet witch was taken** @ _wandabitch_

this is far more entertaining than expected

**spidey** @ _spiderman_

wanda please dm me i’m so confused 

**clint** @ _hawkguy_

kids,,show the poor boy some mercy

**pietro** @ _quicksilver2_

ugh fine 

* * *

** strucker’s bitches B ) **

_ theremix has added peter to the chat _

peter: w h a t t h e f u c k

theog: can we please change our @‘s ppl think my name is theo

theremix: fine

the-og: thanks

peter: somebody pls explain

the-witch: the og is peter, he has the same mutations as pietro

the-og: only i got them first because i’m cooler

the-remix: it’s the truth :(

the-witch: he was living at xavier’s until natasha found out about him & now he lives with us

the-og: i just got sad that neither spider-man nor ironman knew i existed so...

peter: why’d u mess up my room tho

the-og: 1) i thought you would figure out who i am 2) for shits and giggles

peter: you definerly did not give me enough information to figure out who you are

the-remix: hah definerly

the-og: somebody magically glued all your furniture to your ceiling in less than five seconds and then a twitter user named quicksilver1 magically knows the name of the guy who did it????

peter: i-

peter: maybe i am an idiot.

* * *

** naming privileges has been REVOKED **

peter: i come with news

batman: did u find out who theo is????

peter: yeah

cawcaw: who is theo?

batman: i literally just asked that

peter: um basically we’re all rlly ignorant and think we’re the only superhero team and so none of us realized that the xmen had a quicksilver long before the whole age of ultron thing.

peter: his name is also peter and he lives w the murder twins

katniss: BAHAHA YOU CSLL THEM THE MURDER TWINS??????

peter: yes 

batman: clint did you know about him?

katniss: it’s not like it was some big secret 

natasha: it is all public record

bigguy: I like Peter. He brings me my pop tarts when Pietro is busy.

batman: how many of you knew???

capsicle: Hes been to the compound multiple times, Tony

jbbarnes: he sticks magnets to my arm

biggerguy: he has silver hair and wears a trench coat. kind of hard to miss.

cawcaw: if it makes you feel better, i didn’t know.

batman: that does not, in fact, make me feel better

cawcaw: fuck you too i guess 

**Author's Note:**

> idk man. pls leave comments as they fuel my soul.


End file.
